is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
