I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What drink are we having for lunch?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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