i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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