Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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