the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I am midnight drunk by noon
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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