I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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