we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
