Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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