Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
