You're completely useless in the revolution.
I cannot find my penis.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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