I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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