NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
