my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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