he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
