I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
