I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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