There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
