My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
