Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
