The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
This toilet bowl is my home.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
