Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
