I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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