cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
