I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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