those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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