hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
