the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Your penis caused this!
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