I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
