I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
