I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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