I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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