I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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