Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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