Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
