Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I FOUND THE LEGS
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
