Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
