Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
