You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
