I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
