i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
