I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
