the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
