for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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