I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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