I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
