Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
