how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My dick has a subreddit
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
