turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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