im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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