I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
