forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
