I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
