Too much gin, very little bucket
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
