TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
