I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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