I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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