2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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