"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
