I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
