Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
