Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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