She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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