you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
