its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
